Nov 17, 2019

The day before daycare

Haddie starts daycare tomorrow for the first time and I have a lot of feelings about it.  We have spent the better part of every single day together together for the past 21.5 months.  Literally almost 24 hours a day.  It's like she's an extension of my own being.  Tomorrow, we will drop her off and she will be away from me.  Not with Bill, not with my parents, but with strangers, away. Not in a different room, not on a different floor, not outside when I'm inside, but completely apart from me. I actually truly cannot even imagine what it's going to feel like to not know exactly what she's doing every second of the day.  What she's playing with, how she's feeling, is she happy/sad/scared/excited/tired?  Will she make friends? Will she like the toys they have there?  Will she be ok napping on a cot?!  She's rarely ever fallen asleep for a nap outside of my arms.  I won't hear her sweet little voice saying MAMA all day long. I won't have my constant sidekick.

But I will also be able to get work done.  I will be able to clean the house and grocery shop and make dinner without her pulling at me.  I'll able to have a second to myself to just be and live and breathe. But the closer the moment to dropping her off comes, the less I feel like I actually need this. I know I do, though - my doctor literally prescribed daycare/childcare.  Raising a child away from all family is not for the faint of heart. 

I'm very scared for her allergy.  The directors seem understanding and they have written documentation from her doctor.  We will be bringing backup breakfasts, snacks, and lunches for days when dairy is served, but I can't help but be nervous.  I keep joking that I want to tattoo NO MILK on her face.

I think it will be a good thing in the end.  She will gain independence, she will be able to have care focused on her all day long rather than me being pulled in a million directions and feeling like I'm half-failing at all of it. She will learn how to interact with other kids, to share, and make friends.  She'll get to do all sorts of fun crafts and activities. 

I know that she'll inevitably get sick a million times, but that it will build her immunity for when she starts school.

Right now the plan is to only put her in 3 days a week, so it's not even full time, but I can't help but feel that we are on the cusp of the rest of her life of her being in school and breaking away from me a little bit at a time.

Since I'll have more time, I plan to be on here more often.  Until now, wish me luck tomorrow because I'm sure I will need it. 

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